The world is filled with unpleasant possibilities: from being gouged in the ear hole with a hat pin, to having your fingers de-nailed, to necklacing and abacination, to falling into a trou de loup lined with excrement smeared punji sticks. The danger that looms above them all is the ever present threat of being stabbed in the forehead with a used syringe. Each night, when we lay upon our memory foam mattresses, marks the end of another day gone by without being stabbed in the face with a used syringe. Right now, I’m in the library and the woman at the circulation desk is talking about Can’t Hardly Wait saying, “oh my god it has so many celebrities from the nineties! Who is that guy, oh who is that guy, the guy from the movie about the haunted hand or something” and I find it really bothersome. I wish she would stop. But even this is not as bad as being stabbed in the face with a used syringe.
Sure, we’ve all been through the old used-AIDS-syringe-against-the-neck, “give me all your money” bluff, but that is a far cry from someone actually thrusting a used syringe into your face so it penetrates your forehead. Certain forms of assult carry a degree of sophistication. For example, if I were to blugeon you with a sterling candelabra, you might give me a knowing wink as you bled to death on the fine persian carpet. A wink that says “you, my blugeoning friend, got class.” But if your forehead is the recipient of a used hypodermic needle, on the forth level of an empty parking garage, at 11:00 at night, in Canada, there is no such wink. Only a look of total, paralyzed astonishment, in dead silence, as the beveled tip of the needle just scrapes away at your cranial bones, can you imagine the sound? The needle is all scraape scraaape scraape like the sound of a tiny nail on the chalkboard of your skull, as your eyes lock into the gaze of the man who is silently stabbing you in the face.
Anyone with information regarding the identity of the syringe face stabber is asked to call police at 403-266-1234 or 403-567-6100 or Crime Stoppers at 1-800-222-8477.